


Wrong love

by hanatsuki



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-03
Updated: 2014-04-13
Packaged: 2018-01-11 02:30:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1167566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hanatsuki/pseuds/hanatsuki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I shouldn’t love this person, this is wrong. I have to, somehow, stop loving him." Haru loves a certain red-head, but believes he shouldn’t.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I rated this M just to be sure, but maybe it could be rated T. It's because of depression and self-harm basically. Maybe it'll get worse eventually. Not actually quite sure where this is going...

There is something I have to confess. I have someone I love. This person, is someone I shouldn’t love. Someone I should never have fallen in love with. Why, you ask? Because, this person is my best friend and rival. Some cruel things he did to me, but I forgave him and we have reconciled. What I didn’t expect were these feelings flooding all over me. The way my heart clench whenever I see water droplets on that muscular body. The way he flips his red hair. The way his smile is so wide that I can even see his pointy teeth.

There is yet another reason why I shouldn’t love this person. It’s because he’s a guy. I’m a guy too. For all my life, I can’t imagine him loving me back or even seeing me in that way. Surely he would be grossed out if he found out. What would you do if your same-sex best friend loved you? The one you thought was your best friend, who now harbours even deeper feelings for you? We are best friends again but it’s not like I know him that well, yet.

These feelings I keep inside of me are screaming and scratching their way inside of me. Eating me up from the inside. Soon enough it’ll be the end of me. The more time that goes by that we spend together, the more it is harder to supress my feelings. Somehow, I’m glad that concealing my feelings is one of my best traits. But if one kept a close look on me, they’d notice the hollow and empty look in my eyes. And they way my ribs are protruding slowly but surely, from lack of nutrition.

My other best friend who I have known since I was a kid, a tall big and gentle brown-haired guy, has surely noticed the changes within me. He has always been the best at reading me, whenever I refused to act or talk. The one who spoke my mind was Makoto. It’s different now that we’re older. Whatever it is on my mind, Makoto is not planning on helping me this time. Sure, I catch his worried glances sometimes at swim practice, but I shut him off. This is something I have to, no, need to work out alone. And somehow, he senses that. Though that doesn’t keep him from coming over regularly to hang out.

One day when we have a joint practice over at Samezuka, I just can’t go. Even though it means swimming in a big pool with a certain red-head. Right now, I just want to scream and rip my hair off. Or cut a small wound on my arm. Just something to, let everything out. It’s been several months since I realized my feelings and it’s been piling up for a long time. Without any let out at all. The feelings have to go away, replaced by something else. Something else that I can feel without having to worry too much about it.

That’s why, standing in the bathroom right now with a small razor in hand, feels like the best thing that’s happened in a long time. At last, I’ll be able to let these feelings out. The other swim members had, of course, gotten much too worried when I told them I wouldn’t accompany them to today’s joint practice. If I refused swimming, especially with Rin, they thought there was something seriously wrong with me. But I managed to reassure them that I just wasn’t feeling well and they accepted that. Except for Makoto, of course. Still, he had just cast me a worried glance and nothing more. For a while there, I was afraid that he would stop me from going home. Though knowing me, once I made up my mind there was nothing to stop me.

And back to the task at hand. I slowly put the razor to my left wrist and put some pressure on it. It was as if I was in a trance. The blood started to spill out as I slowly made a thin line on my wrist. Watching in fascination when the crimson blood spilled out and dripped to the floor. Making the floor full of small, crimson dots. There was no pain, just pure satisfaction. Everything pent up inside now freely flowed out, leaving me with a taste of contentment. I sighed heavily in relief and closed my eyes. The emptiness that filled me was warmly welcomed.

There was no longer any need to see the crimson liquid, just feeling it as it travelled on my arm. As soon as I was satisfied, I cleaned the wound thoroughly. That was really important, since I didn’t want to get sick from having a wound that hadn’t been cleaned thoroughly. Now that the wound was cleaned, a thin line was barely visible before it was enveloped with bandages.

The usual soaking in my bathtub was skipped this day. Bathing with a wrist wrapped up in bandages didn’t feel like such a good idea. It was already late by the time I was done and I realized I had missed dinner. Not like it really mattered though, since eating just felt like a chore now. It used to be one of the best things of every day. To eat a home cooked meal, in this case mackerel in some sort of way. The joy of eating those meals were gone by now. Since he managed fine anyway, why bother?

The house that I lived in felt a hundred times bigger than it used to, but still I was glad for the emptiness. That way, I could do things freely without anyone noticing or caring. Like what I just had been up to in the bathroom. Exhaustion though was taking its toll and if there was one thing I hadn’t stopped doing, it would be sleeping. Having realized that sleeping was better than lying awake every night thinking of things that would never come true. Things that I yearned to happen with a certain red-head. I shivered slightly at the thought of him. I really had to stop thinking about him. Maybe ignoring him for good would be the best, but then maybe my heart wouldn’t take it. That would also be a bit too obvious and the other swimmers would notice. The one who would be the most affected would be a certain red-head, too. For now, letting all the feelings out and still going on as usual would do.

As I got into my room, I quickly undressed and slipped in under the covers. Before long, sleep had taken over, though not calm and relaxing. Just filled with a heavy darkness and restlessness. Sleeping was just a way to let time pass to get some energy make it through yet another day.


	2. Chapter two

As I woke up, bright light shone in my eyes. I grumbled and closed my eyes again. Today was a school day, but right now I felt like just skipping it. To just stay in bed for the whole day without ever getting up. Obviously, that wouldn’t happen. I slowly rubbed my eyes of sleep and opened them slowly, now knowing just how bright it was. There was no other choice but to get out of bed, before Makoto came over. I sighed heavily and swung my legs out of the bed swiftly.

The first thing I did was to head straight for the bathroom to examine the wound on my wrist. As I got into the cold room, I shivered slightly as I unwrapped the bandage. Somehow, it made me relieved that the wound was barely visible. There was just a small, red thin line. Still, I skipped soaking in bathtub and hopped into the shower instead. Makoto would maybe be surprised to find me on time today, but I couldn’t let him know that I hadn’t taken my usual bath. That would only raise questions I didn’t want answer.

Letting my hair drip, I stepped out of the shower. Since my hair was short, it’d dry soon enough anyway. I just towelled it lightly before putting on my school uniform to go down to the kitchen. I realized too late that I usually would make breakfast in my swimsuit and an apron, but it’s not like I’d strip out of my uniform now that I had already put it on.

I went down the stairs to the kitchen and started cooking mackerel. Though this was not my breakfast, it was in fact my lunch. I didn’t feel very hungry anyway. Eating didn’t feel appealing today either. Besides, not eating made my body numb. The less I felt, the better. Emotions weren’t something I was up to feeling. Ever since the rest of the team and I reconciled with Rin, joint practices are a frequent occurrence. Which meant more feelings trying to eat me up from inside.

When I stood there in the kitchen being immersed in grilling mackerel, I heard the front door open. There was no use in locking it since nothing ever happened and then there was Makoto coming over every morning to get me for school. As Makoto came into the kitchen, he was surprised to say the least. He cast me a quizzical look but just said “Good morning, Haru-chan”. I saw the question on his eyes but decided to act as if I hadn’t noticed “Don’t say –chan.” Makoto spoke up again and said “We have another joint practice today” with a bright voice. Which I knew was supposed to make me happy, since he knew that Rin and I got along really well. Though I cringed on the inside. Not another few hours of trying to supress my feelings and the aching that wouldn’t leave me. There was nothing I could do about it. Skipping another joint practice would be too obvious.

Makoto and I headed for school and everything I wished was that this day would be over quickly. It was sad how joint practices had been the joy of my life now were one of the things I dreaded the most. Funny how life turns out sometimes.

The day went on and as the classes were finished one by one, followed by lunch and then afternoon. During lunch I had felt the others worried gazes, not just Makoto, but ignored them and just ate quietly. It was now time for the joint practice.

As we arrived at the Samezuka school and went straight to the changing rooms, I was relieved that I at least always kept my swimsuit underneath my trousers. That made changing something quick and I could just dive into the pool. Though today, Rin had decided that he wouldn’t let me as he greeted me with a wide grin and a loud “Hey, Haru!” “Hey” I answered casually and kept my blank expression.

Rin slung an arm over my shoulders and I tensed ever so slightly. This sort of close contact was definitely not good. My pulse almost slowed to a stop and I had to put all my energy into breathing normally. The ache in heart that was threatening to take over made my stomach become a tight knot. Thankfully, no one noticed the changes within me. Not even Makoto and definitely not Rin who still had his arm around my shoulder. “Today I’m going to beat you in our race! I bet you chickened out last yesterday!” Rin beamed at me.

Confusion struck me for a minute. Then I remembered, that Rin would occasionally challenge me to a race and our latest one was supposed to be yesterday when I skipped the practice. Instead of answering I just shrugged nonchalantly and finally, Rin removed his arm from my shoulders. Not even listening to the Samezuka’s teams Captain, I dove straight into the pool and started swimming.

Swimming at least made me forget everything for the moment. Just concentrating on the feeling of the water surrounding my body. Down in the water, nothing could touch me. Not Rin, whom I secretly yearned for, not Makoto with his worried glances. I was also protected from myself. Maybe this was the better outlet in the end. For now though, nothing else than swimming mattered. I did not care what the others thought.

As I just continued swimming, not thinking about the time or anything else for that matter my vision started to blur. Or did it? It was already hard to see anything whilst swimming, even with the goggles and all. Soon enough though, black dots were beginning to appear in my vision. I squinted my brows, trying to focus but it didn’t work. Before I knew it, my whole vision turned black and my body felt as heavy as rock, sinking to the depths of the pool…

“..ru…” H…a…ru…” “Ha….r….u” “Haru…” something, or someone, was calling my name. My body was to heavy to move and my eyes refused to open. Not one part of my body was willing to move and the sound of someone calling my name was getting on my nerves. All I wanted to do was to fall back into that heavy, comfortable darkness again. In that darkness, it was the same as swimming. Nothing could touch me there. Just as I was falling back into unconsciousness again, I heard a muffled sob. I idly wondered who it could be. Was someone really crying over me…? That was the last thing I thought before I fell back into that darkness yet again.

The next time I awoke, I could open my eyes. It was completely dark and I had no idea where I was. There was no way to make out the surrounding area. I tried to sit up, but it turned out I didn’t have that much strength after all. As I tried moving my left hand, I was surprised to find it tightly clutched by someone. Though it was impossible to know who, not even a glint of moonlight seemed to be able to come into this room, wherever I was.

I tried moving my hand again, that tight clutch felt kind of…unsettling. Though the next moment I wish I hadn’t tried to move it, since that stirred the one holding my hand. That person bolted upright and said with a loud voice “Haru!” I immediately recognized that particular voice, I would have anywhere. It was Rin’s voice. Oh no, I thought. Someone turned on the lights and I saw that I was in fact, in a hospital. How I had failed to notice that, I didn’t know. I was alone in the room, which explained why it had been dark.

The light was too bright for me and I shut my eyes. Rin immediately spoke again and said “Haru! Don’t close your eyes! You’ve already been unconsoius for more than a whole day!” Couldn’t he be a little quieter? I thought and reluctantly my eyes fluttered open again. Panic was also creeping into me. Why couldn’t it have been someone else beside the bed? Why Rin? Even Nagisa would have been better. Rin was the one who had made me end up in the hospital, no, the feelings I had for him made me end up in the hospital.

All I wanted right now was to be alone. Though it was clear that Rin wasn’t planning on doing that. His face hovered above me and was clouded with worry. Red-stained eyes and brows wrinkled in worry. He must have been the one who was sobbing before, I thought. “Haru… why won’t you say anything?” the red-head said in a weak voice, filled with genuine care. I kept quiet. It wasn’t as if I couldn’t speak, the strength had just left me and speaking felt way too tiring and I didn’t even try. Just gazing into his eyes. Apparently Rin thought it was time to call for the doctor and as he sauntered out of the room, I noticed the others standing outside bombarding him with questions.

No one else was allowed into the room as the doctor came and spoke to me. The doctor wasn’t overly friendly, just stated that I had passed out from overexerting myself, dehydration along with malnutrition. She also informed me that I was going to be let out of the hospital tomorrow morning, since they needed to give me an IV drip. Thankfully, she didn’t ask about the thin line on my wrist. It was barely visible now though, so I guess she wouldn’t have figured anything out just by that. I did have cats, after all. Before the doctor left, she asked me whether there was something I wanted or not. I mustered some strength and said with a barely audible voice “I’m really tired… so I want to be alone to rest”. Nodding in response, she turned off the lights and shut the door behind her. I sighed in relief before long, I was asleep.


	3. Chapter three

The very next morning, I was discharged from the hospital. Luckily, there was no one waiting for me, which meant I could get home on my own without having to answer questions. Or so I thought. As I neared the exit from the hospital, Rin was standing there casually with his arms crossed over his chest and with a frown on his face. Why did he have to be here? I could go home on my own, the last thing I needed now was to deal with him. Everything but that. I even considered turning back and going out through another exit, but Rin had already spotted me and was walking towards me briskly.

I stopped dead in my tracks and raised one eyebrow when Rin stopped before me. His features were contorted, like he was...angry. I saw Rin inhaling and exhaling deeply and clenching and unclenching his fists, as if he couldn’t decide if he was going to say something or not. Eventually though, he did. “I’m going to stay with you for a few days, to make sure you take care of yourself properly...” and after a few moments he muttered “...jerk”

I was too shocked too move or say anything. All I could do was to stare at him with wide eyes in disbelief. This couldn’t be happening. _This couldn’t be happening_. What exactly had I done to deserve this? It was definitely going to be the end of me. I watched in horror as Rin picked up something from the ground that I had failed to notice, a big black duffel bag. He turned around and said “Let’s go”. He sauntered away without glancing back, as if expecting me to follow. And I did. What choice did I have? The expression in his eyes told me that he wouldn’t take no for an answer.

I trailed after Rin out from the hospital, seeing it as I had no choice. As I walked out, it felt as if I was walking towards my own death. And maybe it was. My insides were already aching and my breathing was starting to become uneven. It was time to start controlling every bit of my body. If there was one thing I couldn’t do, then it was letting Rin know how I felt towards him and that this love was slowly eating away at me. Once again, I stopped dead in my tracks and inhaled deeply. When I felt like I somehow had everything in control, I walked the short distance to walk beside Rin, who was already far on his way to the train station.

On the way back, no one said anything. Which was strange since Rin was the type who usually couldn’t shut up. It was really awkward, like we didn’t even know each other. Or maybe Rin just realized that I was tired and didn’t have enough strength to talk anyway. Not like I was really talkative anyway, though I had to admit I had become more so since I reconciled with Rin.

When we finally arrived at my house, I was tired to say the least. From having to keep my stoic, indifferent mask on my face. All I did was to scrunch up in pain the whole way back the ache in my stomach refused to stop increasing with pain. All I longed for right now was a hot bath, which I hadn’t taken for a few days. But, as Rin and I took our shoes of, he apparently had other plans. “We need to talk” Rin said with a stern voice. I stared at him for a minute and could see worry and anger swirling around inside. Though, I was too tired right now to deal with Rin and (probably) his outburst. Why couldn’t he just leave me _alone?_

I let out a heavy sigh full of irritation and tried to keep my poker face. “I’m going to take a bath” I said gave Rin a look which I hoped said “Whatever it is you want to talk about has to wait”. Rin, who knew I loved baths and soaked for hours, actually gave in and said “Right after you’re done, we’re going to talk” and he gave me an annoyed glance before he stalked in to the living room. I couldn’t help but wonder what it was he wanted to talk about and I immediately started to worry, only adding up to my already screaming insides. I tried to brush off all sorts of thoughts altogether, but it was really hard. Deciding that the best thing to do for now was to walk up the bathroom and turn on the taps, that’s exactly what I did.

The tub was filled to the brim and just before I sunk into the hot, calming water, I did something I usually never did. I locked the door to the bathroom. Somehow, that made me feel just a tiny bit more at ease. I shivered at the thought of Rin walking in on me in the bathtub. That was something that just couldn’t happen. The air in the bathroom was humid and thick, which almost made me a bit light headed. As I sunk into the hot waters in the tub, I felt as if I was about to faint. My muscles had been more tense than I thought and now that they finally relaxed, if just for a little bit, exhaustion hit me right in the face.

Sure, the water and the warmth that seeped into me was making me feel relaxed and at ease, but it wasn’t just enough. It couldn’t take away these things inside of me that threatened to swallow me whole. The razor in the medicine cabinet did hit me. If it was one thing that completely took everything away, it would be the sensation of making thin, crimson cuts on my wrist. Though, that was obviously out of the question now that Rin was here. For a moment, I had forgotten that he was even sitting in my living room as of right now. It wasn’t like I could go down there with a bandage on my wrist either, how would I explain that to him? I sighed for the th time today and sunk lower into the tub letting the water embrace me in a warm hug, but even so, I shivered.

I must have sat like that for a few hours. The water had even turned cold and the shivers increased and ran through my body. It was time to get up and confront Rin. Some sort of plan was needed. I got out from the cold water and as I stepped out from the tub I wrapped a towel around me. As soon as I had left the tub all the strength in my body seemed to leave me and I fell on my knees with a loud thud. Supporting myself with one hand to the floor, I tried to raise up slowly, it didn’t work. There was no sound of feet coming up the stairs, so at least Rin hadn’t heard anything. That made a sigh of relief escape from me. The question now was how to get up and out from the bathroom.

After about ten minutes, I tried to raise again and this time it worked. The sight in the mirror that met me was not something I had thought. There were dark circles under my eyes and my hair was dull and lifeless. I did have pale skin, but now it was almost the colour of death. My eyes that were always a rich, deep ocean blue had changed completely. Now they almost looked grey instead of blue and there seemed to be nothing inside of them. The signs of me deteriorating had apparently been more obvious than I had thought. No wonder I lost it whilst swimming, I thought to myself. During those ten minutes on the floor, I had come to some sort of conclusion. Why not just turn everything off? All the feelings, everything? So that nothing would be left? Just an empty shell that could neither feel nor care about anything at all? That way, I wouldn’t (probably) hurt myself or anyone else for that matter.

It was easier than I thought to turn everything off. All I had to do was to close my eyes and let a cold take over me. At first, I shivered again but when the shivers died down the emptiness had entered me completely. At last, I was ready to face Rin and whatever it was that he desperately wanted to talk about. I put on some random clean clothes that were lying in the about in the room and toweled my hair one last time before stepping out of the bathroom.    


	4. Chapter four

As I walked down the stairs, I could hear faints sounds and realized that Rin was in fact still watching TV in the living room. I went straight for the living room and found Rin sitting on the couch slouched over one of the armrests. He notcied me right away and turned off the TV whilst gesturing to me to sit beside him. That’s not going to happen, I thought and remained standing. Rin gave me an annoyed glance but didn’t say anything. Patiently, I crossed my arms over my chest and waited for Rin to start talking.

There was no way I was going to make it easy for him and ask what it was he wanted to talk about. I watched him closely as he seemed to have an inner conflict of some sorts. The emotions in these maroon coloured eyes swirled by so quickly I never managed to catch up on any of the feelings in them. Finally, Rin seemed to have come to a conclusion as he opened his mouth and said through gritted teeth “What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you know how worried I was? How worried everyone else was? For a moment we thought you were going to die!” at the last sentence his voice was raised to an almost shout. I remained calmed as I was and simply replied “Nothing” with an indifferent voice.

This seemed to anger Rin further as his face contorted into a grimace “THERE IS DEFINITELY SOMETHING FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU!” he burst out. I involuntarily flinched and backed away a few steps. By now, Rin had stood up and his fists were clenched so tight that his knuckles were white. This was the first time I had ever seen him so angry. But, the cold and emptiness still had a firm hold on me and I held my ground. I must still have looked frightened since Rin got an almost panicked look on his face when he had calmed down a little. That look on his face was pleading and apologetic. “I’m sorry, Haru... It’s just that, I was really worried, okay? Sorry...” It’s okay” I replied quickly but firmly.

We studied each other for a few minutes and none of us dared to move. In those few minutes I realized that Rin didn’t look to good either. His eyes were red and a bit swollen and my walls started to crumble. The emptiness and coldness was trying to leave me and a voice was screaming at me “Look at him! This is your fault! YOUR FAULT!” I couldn’t stop my hands from starting to tremble and my mask was threatening to give in, but I refused to let that happen.

The word “dinner” struck my mind. Perfect, I thought. That would keep my hands and mind busy, at least for a little bit more. “I’m going to grill some mackerel” I declared and headed for the kitchen. Not even waiting for Rin to say anything. It was better to just do it. It’s not like I had something other than mackerel either and if Rin was seriously going to stay here (which his heavily packed duffel bag had indicated) he just had to accept it.

By now it was late and actually perfect time for dinner. After I had prepared the mackerel and started grilling it, I glanced behind me and saw that Rin sat slumped by the kitchen table. He must have felt my eyes on him since he turned to look straight at me and I quickly turned back, quietly hoping that I hadn’t been caught.

When I deemed the mackerel grilled just as it should be, the smell wafted through the kitchen. I got out the plates and placed them on the table where Rin was sitting, studying me. That gaze on me literally tried to remove the cold from within me. I tried to ignore it the best I could and focused at the task at hand. Which consisted of putting the mackerel and rice on the table. When that was done, I sat down opposite of Rin and began eating. Eating still felt like a chore but I had to at least endure it whilst Rin was here. If I knew him right he was not going to go down on his words “I’m going to take care of you”.

Nothing in particular happened during dinner. The silence was welcome, even Rin’s voice was something I had to fight against. Everything about him stirred up feelings that were utterly and immensely _wrong._ A few times during the dinner, I had to close my eyes and let that cold take over again, though I managed to restrain myself from shivering. That would have raised questions I had no intention of answering.

Yet, when both of us had eaten and cleaned everything up, I was reaching my limit. Being near someone you loved, trying your hardest not to when a voice was screaming inside of you, was not easy. I had to be alone, _now._ My best bet would be to go to sleep. Being straight was the only way. “I’m going to bed, you can use the other bedroom right beside mine” I stated and started walking briskly to the stairs.

Just as I was about to walk away Rin grabbed my wrist, my _left_ wrist and I winced in pain. It hadn’t healed yet and Rin’s grip was strong and firm, but he didn’t let go. I couldn’t help the pained expression that was now plastered on my face. Uncertainty suddenly flickered through Rin’s face but quickly turned into something that I thought was resolve. Now I was afraid. “Either you tell me what’s wrong and don’t say nothing, I know there is something. Or I force you to tell me” he said steely.

I started shaking uncontrollably and I murmured “Don’t touch me...” “What? I didn’t hear you” Rin replied. I swallowed and this time I snapped “Don’t touch me!” shouted and yanked myself free from his grip. Hurt and confusion was now written all over Rin’s features. His shoulders slumped, eyes wide with shock and his arms hung limply at his sides. I used this moment to my advantage and rushed up the stairs with one thing in mind. Razor. Razor. Razor. _Now._

I reached the bathroom just in time to hear Rin scrambling up the stairs. As fast as I could, I locked the door to the bathroom and slumped to the floor. My breath was coming out in small gasps. A banging started on the other side of the door and Rin was cursing incoherently. I picked up small bits and pieces, but most of the curses seemed to be in English. One word that kept coming up was my name. Haru, Haru, Haru. And soon, that was the only word Rin kept repeating.

Tuning out Rin’s voice, I reached for the medicine cabinet where I had started to keep my razors. With one in hand, I felt safe again. As in a trance, only the razor and me existing, I put the blade to my left wrist. In order not to create a new scar, I put it on the one that was healing and pressed down lightly until a crimson liquid started to sip through the pierced skin. Ah, this was pure bliss, the pain and the blood that accompanied it. My body relaxed and I stared at the wrist that now had been pierced.

Without warning, the bathroom door flung open and the sudden impact made me cut deep into the wrist and now there was a big slash on my arm and the razor clattered to the floor. Somehow, Rin had forced the lock open and he paled visibly when he saw me. He stared at the wound, then at me and lastly at the bloodied razor that lay on the floor. I watched in horror at Rin and started backing away further into the bathroom. I wanted to scream, but my tongue was stuck in my mouth and I wouldn’t get any sound out. When my legs hit the brim of the bathtub I slumped to the floor and clutched my left wrist tightly. The crimson liquid was still gushing out making trails on my arms and tiny puddles on the floor.

I had never wanted Rin to see me like this. In this state of vulnerability and I felt humiliated. If only a hole could open up itself magically so I could just disappear. All I wanted was for Rin to leave, but he was still just standing there. Looking at me like I was an alien and just as I thought that the cogs seemed to turn in Rin and he flung himself at me. His arms wrapping around me almost crushing me whilst he kept repeating my name like a mantra. Haru. Haru. Haru. I stiffened and didn’t return the embrace, too shocked to move.

My shoulder was starting to feel damp and I realized that Rin was _crying._ I started shaking uncontrollably. No. No. No. _Please, don’t cry!_ There was absolutely no reason for Rin to cry for me. If he knew what was going around in my mind he would only think that I was disgusting and pull away from me. A hot pain seared through me, making my heart beat unevenly. Rin still had his face buried into my shoulder and his breath was hitched. I noticed that he tried his best not to let sobs or sniffles escape from him, but it seemed impossible. It was almost as if the more he tried, the worse it got.

After a few more minutes passed by that felt like an eternity I heard a muffled voice. Rin had calmed down slightly and was trying to say something. I closed my eyes when I heard the voice again. No. That couldn’t true. That wasn’t true. I must have misheard that... I thought desperately as Rin finally pulled back, only to look at me. My mind was screaming NO! NO! NO! And I watched in horror as Rin opened his mouth to speak those words again that couldn’t be true. “Haru...”  


	5. Chapter 5

“Haru...I...really like you...as a friend.” I stared at Rin in horror. That last part wasn’t something he had said when I first heard him. My heart sank to the very bottom of my soul and there it would stay. For a minute I thought he had said that he liked me, as in more than friends. Apparently that wasn’t the case.

My body that had been tense, now slumped against the cold of the bath tub. Rin had pulled away and held my shoulders loosely. I could feel his piercing gaze on my face, searching it, but I didn’t have any strength left. The tiny flame that had been burning inside of me was now out. Only black ash remained. There was now no doubt that he didn’t see me in the way I wanted him to.

As I closed my eyes, I could feel the dull pain in my wrist making itself reminded. My hand was still clutching it tightly to prevent the blood from flowing out. Ignoring that, I released my hand and let my arms slump to my sides. Behind closed eyelids, there was only darkness and just as I was about to yet again let that darkness engulf me, Rin shook my shoulders violently.

My eyes flew open and yet again I was staring at a tearstained face scrunched up in fear. “I’m going to clean your wound so don’t you dare fall unconscious again!” said Rin and scrambled to his feet to look for bandages and something to clean the wound with. Wound…? I thought to myself and watched him yank open the medicine cabinet and putting things on the sink.

I got my answer when Rin kneeled in front of me and grabbed my left hand. It was then that I saw the wrist that was covered in crimson liquid. Ah, that’s right. The pain had left and so the wound had been forgotten. Rin was, to my surprise, very gentle when he cared for my wound. He even looked at my face occasionally as if searching for any signs of pain. When Rin had finished his task and a clean white bandage was on my arm, he put everything away again.

Still having no strength to move, I just sat on the floor still slumped against the tub. Rin turned to me with brows furrowed and said “Haru, you’re scaring me...” Scary, me? Why would he think that? It wasn’t really unusual for me to be this quiet or stoic. I didn’t even bother replying and just stared straight ahead of me.

Neither moved and soon Rin moved out of the room. It would be a lie to say I wasn’t relieved when he did that. After a few more minutes I managed to muster some strength to stand up. A momentary dizziness hit me and I swayed a bit before steadying myself. With small steps at a time, I headed for my bedroom. There was only one thing on my mind: sleep. Sleep would help, at least for the moment.

As I entered my bedroom, I expected to find it empty. It wasn’t. Rin was sitting on my rather large bed with arms crossed over his chest and a determined look on his face. I groaned inwardly. He couldn’t possibly be thinking...? No. Please. Don’t tell me he is planning on sleeping in the same bed as me... Although the bed was larger than average size, it would still be a tight fit for two grown teenage boys.

I leaned heavily against the doorframe. It was just too much. Rin must have seen that I was weak since he got up from the bed and walked over to me with quick steps. He put an arm over my shoulder and led me to the bed. Inside my head a voice was screaming at me to push him away. In my current state there was no way I could do that, however much I wanted to let that voice have its way.

I let him lead me to the bed despite the panic that was growing in my chest. At the bed, Rin pushed away the blanket and I crawled into the bed. He draped the blanket over and I let him tuck me in. As soon as I was tucked in, I closed my eyes and my body tensed up. Though that dip in the bed from another body never came and in the distance I could hear the sound of light footsteps. Not long after, I was fast asleep not having the strength to dread another day in Rin’s presence.

* * *

 

The next morning when I woke up, it was still rather dark in my room. It must be really early since when I opened my eyes the room was dark and the sun couldn’t be quite up yet. I stretched my arms, which were sore. I turned my head to look at the clock and it was almost six in the morning. Today was a school day and I wondered briefly if I was supposed to attend school today or not.

I decided to at least get up, lazing about in bed wouldn’t be any better. Just as I was about to swing my legs out of the bed, I could hear muffled voices. Which meant someone else other than Rin was in the house. I decided to find out who these voices belonged to, when I heard a loud bang! That startled me a bit.

Instead of being sneaky I just went out of my room to locate where the loud bang had come from. Since it had sounded loud, but still a bit distant, I headed for the stairs. At the end of the stairs, I peered into the kitchen. There at the table sat Rin and, Makoto. Rin’s face was scrunched up in anger and a bit flushed. His fists were clenched and knuckles white.

Though Rin wasn’t the only angry one. Even calm, kind Makoto looked ready to punch Rin. They were both staring at each other and I stared at them, only mildly interested. It didn’t really bother me that they were arguing, I was just a bit annoyed that there was yet another person in my house. Silently I crossed the distance from the stairs to the kitchen and cleared my throat.

That seem to catch them both off guard, apparently they hadn’t noticed my presence even. I raised one eyebrow in question and Makoto looked like he had been caught doing something illegal. Rin just continued to look angry, though his features softened just a tiny bit.

There was an upcoming panic attack inside of me, it had been fine until I saw Rin. It was time to make things clear. It was no business of mine, what they had been arguing about that is. “Leave. Both of you.” I said in a stern voice. Makoto’s eyes widened in shock and Rin’s face turned into a grimace. “No” replied Rin. I looked at Rin intently and with as much power I could muster I said “Leave. Now.” My heart was pounding loudly and my hands clammy.

In the corner of my eyes, I could see Makoto getting worried. Obviously, he tried to also discern my thoughts. I knew it was impossible for him. I had shut myself of completely from him. From everything and everyone. Didn’t they understand that it was useless to try and “help” me, or whatever they were trying to do? If I was just left alone, then everything would be fine.

All of a sudden, Rin lashed out at me. “I’M NOT GOING TO FUCKING LEAVE! WHAT IF YOU COMMIT SUICIDE WHEN NO ONE’S HERE?!?” he shouted. My frustration got the best of me and I did something I had never done before in my life. I shouted back at him “THIS IS MY HOUSE AND YOU ARE GOING TO LEAVE, NOW!”

I saw both Rin and Makoto freeze in shock. Though Rin recovered rapidly and with long strides walked over to me and locked eyes with me. Rin proceeded to speak in a low voice “I’m not fucking leaving until you tell me what’s wrong” The worry and slight irritation is so evident in Rin’s face that despite my good night’s rest, I slump to the floor but with Rin’s reflexes he catches me and once again encircles me in a hug. Only this time he’s gentler, as if he’s holding something made of glass.

I grit my teeth and hate myself for how weak I am. Pathetic. Disgusting. But the absolute worst thing? Tears. Tears are streaming down my face and I promptly put my hands to cover my face. Crying is the worst possible scenario. And it’s happening right now. In Rin’s arms. I couldn’t even make him leave before yet another breakdown. The shivers that go through my body are inevitable. My breath hitches and comes out in small, pathetic gasps of air and my stomach is clenching up so tightly that it feels like someone is stabbing it with a knife repetitively.

Whenever I tried to stifle my sobs, they would only get worse. I settled on weeping silently against Rin’s shoulder that quickly turned damp. Although this wasn’t the time or place, I could faintly smell the scent of chlorine coming off of Rin. It was with conflicting feelings that I was in Rin’s arms. As much as I wanted to push him away with all my might, just as much I wanted to just never open my eyes again and just stay in his arms. Tell him everything. Just let it all out.

This time, I knew that Rin really wouldn’t let me go until I at least said some sort of decent reason as to my behavior these days. What would I tell him though? Rin had started to pick up on things about me, one of them knowing clearly when I was lying. There was no point in trying that. My best option for now was to not talk at all.

My crying had finally subsided and I sighed softly into Rin’s shoulder. He still hadn’t let me go and I briefly wondered why. I had felt safe at first, but now my disgust for myself was slowly making its way into me again and all I wanted was for these strong arms to just let me go. In an attempt to get away from his embrace, I weakly tried to push him away. Only to have Rin hold on to me in an even stronger grip.  

“Don’t run away from me, Haru. Either you tell me what’s wrong or I’ll never let go.” Rin said in a stern voice. I winced slightly after hearing that. Even in my current state, I could hear the determination in his voice. When Rin had made his decision about something, he could be the most stubborn person on the planet. If I was to ever be let go, I had to tell him _something._

Since I didn’t want to lie to Rin, just leaving out some parts would be okay… That would probably make him satisfied and leave me. The flame inside of me had been extinguished and the one thing I needed now was to mend the black lump that was left inside of me. A quiet decision was made inside of me. I took a deep breath to steady myself, I needed that in order to at least sound a little bit strong.

“Rin… I’m…”  

   


	6. Chapter six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not completely happy with how this chapter turned out. Oh well. Enjoy!

“Rin….there is someone….that I….like a lot…” That was all I could manage for now. Rin pulled back a little only to stare at my face in silence, his face twisting and swirling with different emotions I couldn’t decipher. But somehow he looked… _angry_. Which puzzled me. Why would he be angry? Who I loved wasn’t of his concern. Since I had finally given him just a little piece of information, I began to stand up. And this time, there was no one to hold me back from doing so. My eyes were probably red and swollen from all the crying and all I wanted was to get away from the world for a bit. Makoto had been smart enough to leave as I looked to the place where he had been standing.

A quick look in the bathroom wouldn’t hurt, I thought. As I went in and stood in front of the mirror, I deeply regretted it. Disgust filled me as I looked at my reflection. Swollen, red eyes and even though I had gotten just a little bit of rest the last few days there were still bags under my eyes. I grimaced and quickly turned away from my reflection, couldn’t bear to look at it another second. That dead person was me. That didn’t mean I had too look at it. Made me feel even more sick and my stomach twisted and turned. Maybe a cold bath would at least wash away some of the disgusted feeling I had. Deciding that it was a good idea, I twisted the tap to let the water out. Cold water. Hot water would only suffocate me.

When the tub had finally filled to brim, I took one minute to listen if there was any sound outside of the bathroom. There was none and I locked the door. Threw off my clothes as fast I could and stepped down into the tub. I shivered as I did so, the water was cold but it was a welcome feeling. As I finally sat down, something stung on my left wrist. It was just the wound wrapped in bandage, once again forgotten. Not that I minded. A little pain would take my thoughts of off things distract me. Eyes closed, I shivered and couldn’t stop. Leaned back in the tub to get more comfortable.

It took a while to relax completely and let the cold water take over my body. For now, the black lump would remain as it was inside of my body. So far I had realized that not feeling anything at all, or at least trying to, was the best solution. Feelings led to actions. And actions were bad. I just wanted to be left alone and live in my own world. Away from people and their prying eyes. It was none of their concern. Makoto had always left me to be on my own and didn’t try to shake my world around, the way Rin did.

Rin…why did I have to go and think of him? That was a very bad idea. The words that he said to me still hurt a lot. As much as I didn’t want to hurt him, staying friends at this rate would be impossible. I could manage, but so far the effort had been fruitless. If anything, it had only drawn Rin closer to me. So it had the opposite effect of what I wanted. And if Rin was going to act like this, all worried over me, he wouldn’t be able to concentrate on his swimming. One of the things I never want to take away from him. Smiling weakly at the thought, I stretched out my left arm to look at it. Looked to the wrist. Never thought it would go this far. But it had. There was no point mulling over it.

After a good few hours, when my body and mind felt completely numb, I decided it was time to get out of the tub. The bandage on my arm hadn’t bled through and I decided to just let it be as I got dressed and put on some clean clothes. When dressed, I took a deep breath. I was ready again. Emotions had left me and my body wouldn’t do anything stupid. I opened the door to the bathroom and wasn’t surprised to see Rin leaning against the wall opposite. He stared straight at me and I met his gaze head on. A frown was fixed on his face and his arms were crossed. “Who?” Rin whispered. I wasn’t sure I caught what he said. “Sorry, what did you say?” I replied cautiously. “Who is it that you like…that makes you feel this way…? _Who?”_ Rin said sternly. That wasn’t what I expected him to say but I had no intention of answering. I had already told him enough. The voice Rin had asked that in was laced with anger but I wouldn’t let that get to me. With a voice as icy and emotionless as I could manage I said “That is none of your concern.”

That seemed to make Rin angrier as his face contorted and he gritted his teeth. Though he didn’t move nor let his gaze leave my eyes. I stubbornly gazed back without lowering my eyes. It was clear he tried to get an answer out of me, but I won’t give it. With a tch sound, Rin briskly walked away. If he was staying over again or not I had no idea, but relief washed over and a breath I didn’t know I was holding was let out. Even though I kept my body and mind numb, being remotely close to Rin was still exhausting. It drained me of energy.

Another douse of sleep was needed. Whilst making my way to the bedroom slowly, it struck me that Rin hadn’t looked so good himself. He had looked extremely tired. A wave of loathing came over me. That was my fault. Again. I quickly slipped in under the covers of the bed, fully clothed even. Didn’t want to think of anything. At all. The best would be to just try and sleep away everything. To keep my thoughts off of my mind, I imagined a black hole that I slipped into. Where everything was dark and empty. Somehow, I managed to fall asleep into a restless slumber.

When I woke up this time, I decided for once to check the time. It was 7 in the morning. Not that I had kept track of the time the last few days so I wasn’t sure how much I had actually slept. It was bright in the room and I rubbed the sleep of off my eyes. Stretched my arms above my head and let out a yawn. Even with the sleep, I didn’t really feel rested, per se. Vaguely recalled that it might be Monday today, but wasn’t entirely sure. Decided to get up at least and slipped out from under the covers. My cell phone should say what day it is, I thought and rummaged through one desk drawer and actually found my phone. There on the bright screen, it said that it was Monday.

I couldn’t say I felt good, just empty of everything. Though I had realized I couldn’t stay away from school and the so called reality either. Maybe it was time to take up that challenge. To find a way to struggle through everyday. Not just socialising, but to try and cope with my own thoughts and feelings. So far it hadn’t gone well, that was true, but now I had found a let out that was satisfying. If worse came to worse, I could always do _that,_ I thought as I glanced at my left wrist which was still bandaged. Going to school today was not an option. I was pretty sure I still looked messed up from yesterday. Letting out a heavy sigh I grabbed the handle to the door and swung it open.

Although I hoped that Rin had left, that seemed unlikely. When I headed down the stairs it was so quiet that I could hear the sound of someone breathing softly. And there, on the couch in the living room, Rin slept soundly with a blanket draped over him. The sight of Rin made my heart beat just a tad bit faster, but I quickly turned away and walked as quietly as I could to the kitchen. There was no point in admiring him. There was no way it could ever become the two of us anyway. A sad smile graced my lips as I took out some mackerel to grill.

It was tempting to just go back and gaze at Rin instead, but I had to be very careful. The black lump inside of me was nowhere near healing and if I was to get any results in that I had to stay away from him. The feelings he stirred in me are very unwelcome.

Just the fact that Rin was sleeping innocently on my couch made my stomach twist. No, I cant think of him, I have to stop, otherwise I’ll never be able to have some sort of normal relationship with him again I thought and engaged myself completely in the task of grilling mackerel. So concentrated I was, I didn’t notice the sound of light footsteps. Just as I had finished grilling and had taken it off the stove and put it on a plate, strong arms were wrapped around me from behind. I inhaled sharply.

My heart started to pound and my stomach tightened into a knot. “Rin…could you please…let me go…” I said with a weak voice. In response, the grip just tightened and it made me start panicking. Why couldn’t he just give me some _distance?_ I know he liked to invade my personal space but this was just too much. This was something I couldn’t handle. Not when I was trying my hardest not to feel anything and then the person I love deeply just comes up and hugs me from behind.

The panic took over more and more and I got goose bumps all over my arms and the hair on them stood out. At the same time I started shivering and shaking and felt so, so, so… _cold._ Still Rin refused to let go. This couldn’t continue. “Haru…I hate seeing you like this…” Rin whispered to the back of my head. It was pleasant and vexing all at the same time. “Rin…I’m _begging_ you…please let go of me…” I said with a weak and strained voice. That took Rin by surprise and he finally let go.

My relief was so big that I slumped over the counter and rested my elbows on it with my face buried in my hands. “Haru…?” Rin said questioningly. “Just don’t…touch me…okay?” I said in a voice laced with anxiety. “Huh…? Why…?” Rin replied. “No. Just don’t. Okay?” never thought it would come to this. Me asking for Rin not to touch me, which was natural for him. The way he always invaded my personal space. I just couldn’t take it. _Distance._ The number one thing I needed right now. “Sure…okay…” Rin replied with a voice filled with hurt. It hurt _me_ too, but I had to make that clear.

When I had finally gotten myself together again, I stood up straight with the plate with my breakfast on it hand. Turned around only to see the hurt look on Rin’s face. It was truly heart-breaking. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Repeated itself in my mind and I had to try my hardest not to have yet another break down. That would certainly not make Rin feel any better and I had to see this as my first challenge not to break down. Without saying anything more I headed for the table, plate in hand. More than anything, I wanted to get away from seeing that look on Rin. Doing something would at least help me a tiny bit from breaking down. _Or so I hoped._        


End file.
